Family
“Do you ever miss being a family?”
“I don’t remember being a family. Sometimes it’s too hard to selectively forget the bad and keep the good, it’s easier to just let all of it go.”
This isnt bed time chat. This isn’t pass it on, hey how ya doin, would you like to hear about my day chat. This is curl into a fetus ball and cry myself to sleep post-chat.
I’ve been uneasy since the sun went down, mind disoriented and words uncoordinated, sight locked on the moon since it came up and hogged some of the days sky.
I don’t want to live like this anymore.
Give me someone to listen. The strength to speak, and be heard.
I’m sorry, really, for your boy troubles. I’d like to learn how you captivate an audience with them. Throw your sorrows to the shoulders around you like a team of horses pulling a 400 pound problem named Tommy all the way to Alaska.
30 days today. Closer to the cure of my addiction problems, breathing the air of what I used to fear without them. Acceptance and love and fear of disappointment.
I’d like to make myself into someone now. A hard worker, an intelligent student, a doting wife, and a loving mother. Sometime in the next, say, twenty years. I don’t want all this at once.
Jumbled, fumbled, beeping distractions, I can’t keep focused on what I need to do. 75% of my unwritten list for life goes undone, second to second, so thank you Facebook. I mean, Lauren. No more excuses.
Simple: Three things I am thankful for today:
- I woke up sober, and remained sober, for my thirtieth day in a row.
- I met new people, like nick and laura and stephen, and learned more about troubles and stories other than my own.
- I got to spend time with my family.
Simple: Three things I hate about smoking cigarettes:
- The feeling before I light each one, like I know its wrong but not strong enough to resist the urge. That a stick could make me feel weak.
- The sneaking out by myself just for a quick fix of a problem that only exists in my mind and weak will.
- The shame and avoidance in getting close to people out of the fear of how I smell.
Simple: What I have to do tomorrow:
- Up by 7:00 am
- Bible study catch up ASAP (before/ during coffee)
- Shopping with Shay: Uptown Cheapskate, Nails, Mall
- 7:00 pm- Central Christian Church meeting
And alas, invisible and non existant reader, save my future self, peace and light and God’s gracious and merciful love. May he wipe my tears tonight and save you from yours.
